Every year the FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes
including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide
Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.
1. Alan Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20-inch
long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices
and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20
inches of the vibrator into Alan's anus until it ruptured several internal
organs and caused severe bleeding.
2. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter
to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering
her birthday cake.
3. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he
had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she
couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison
tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip
and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the
judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her
mother using the same method one month later.
4. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he
attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a
double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her
an hour before the date started, just in case.
5. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay
his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death
with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos
paid his rent.
6. Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered
onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly
down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The
troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40
of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one
of the troopers stated in his report.
7. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she
talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his sister to death with a
cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
8. Helena Simms, wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms,
was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a
period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium
composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning.
Although she suffered many symptoms, including total air loss, skin welts,
blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never
attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
9. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading
her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was
driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful
as the Oklahoma Bombing. Several persons heard the explosion, some up to 14
kilometres away. No traces of the car or the victim were ever found, only a
55-meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
10. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early
hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F4
phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an
empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain
to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire.
Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking
this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole
situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the
engine and as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of
5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the
driveway.
11. Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard
With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an
almost catatonic state. Then dressed him only in a double-sided white board that
read "Death to all Niggers!" on one side and "God Loves the KKK" on the other.
Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes
later Berry was deceased.
12. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian
after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents
passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem and no sense of smell. After the
argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later and turned on the
3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars,
a lighter and a note saying "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me,
Brian". Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house and himself in the
process.
-----------------------
THE MOST OFFENSIVE WORLD RECORDS
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles
in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28
inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a
lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZITS
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a
detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona.
It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small
amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a
potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York, contains tomato juice, a
double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not
mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and known
as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid.
He also holds the records for the greatest height (12ft 4in) and the greatest
speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a
'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hours and 12 minutes which was officially measured at
12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded
time of 2 minutes and 42 seconds.
------------------
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to
people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant
orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and
cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to
Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, Jim, which was posted on the Internet. It's
funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for
example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding
some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odour for the Lord-Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim
the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness-Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I
have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him
myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination-Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't
agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision
have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should
they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and
blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting
the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them
to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their
in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.
------------
A pensioner lost his false teeth after brawling with a prostitute in a public
lavatory. The 74-year-old Swiss man was handing over cash to a woman in Basel
when they began to argue. When she hit him, his teeth fell into a lavatory bowl
and could not be recovered.
--------
Mrs Slocombe's pussy - one of the unseen stars of the BBC sitcom Are You
Being Served? - faces a ban from US television as it is too saucy. American
broadcasters have been sensitive to criticism of their moral standards after
Janet Jackson revealed her nipple during the 2004 Super Bowl. They fear viewers
could sue over lines from Mrs Slocombe such as : 'It's a wonder I got here at
all. My pussy got soaking wet and I had to dry it out in front of the fire.'
Public Broadcasting Service spokesman Doug Myrland said 'British sitcoms are
problematic. They thrive on double entendre.'
--------
Scientists have found that blondes perform IQ tests more slowly after reading
blonde jokes. Eighty women, of different hair colours, were tested at the
International University Bremen in Germany. Before answering questions, the
women had to read jokes such as: Why do women open yoghurt pots while still in
the supermarket? Because the lid says 'Open here'. Psychologist Jens Forster
said ' Unfounded prejudices can affect an individual's confidence in their own
ability.'
--------
A shoplifter who stole a pair of trousers from a Chinese store has been
arrested after taking them back to be shortened.
--------
Police in Thailand are being sexually harassed because of their tight-fitting
uniforms. There are around 400 incidents a month in which officers are subjected
to lewd calls from admirers.
Most of the calls are taken in the early morning, and 60% of them are from men.
One officer told a Thai newspaper: "The gay men always talk lewdly, and if we
talk to them for too long they ask us out. We call them back later and warn them
not to disturb the police on duty."
--------
Thomas, the Tank Engine, could scare children away from trains, a
psychologist has claimed. Dr Brian Young says that there are so many crashes
featured in the ITV series that young children might think accidents are normal.
The production company HIT Entertainment said its show was "not a reflection of
UK railways."
--------
A prostitutes' pay strike was ended when the women picketed the Munich
brothel at the centre of the dispute. Police moved in when they spotted placards
carrying the slogan "Fair pay for prostitutes."
A police spokesman explained: "It's usually hard to prove these women have been
working the streets, but in this case they had the placards admitting it so they
could hardly deny it when we turned up."
--------
Dudley zoo is considering issuing keepers with gas masks because its
orang-utans have developed a taste for sprouts. The primates have been feasting
on out-of-date vegetables donated by local supermarkets, and monkey keeper James
Harper complained: "Orang-utans are windy animals, but because of all the
sprouts they are eating there is quite a pong around here at the moment."
--------
A 21-year-old man was taken to hospital in Modesto, California, after his
head was split open by a brick. Police, who found the man lying on the ground
and bleeding from the head, suspected foul play. However, witnesses explained
that he at been trying, at 2am, to see how high he could throw a brick. In the
darkness he lost track of the brick and was unable to get out of the way when it
fell. "Alcohol was involved," said a police spokesman.
--------
Security has been stepped up at Cape Town international airport after thieves
got away with the runway approach lights, used to guide planes in when they
land.
--------
A family doctor is facing a formal inquiry after refusing to offer cervical
screening to a man. The patient, 34, insists that he is hermaphrodite, although
the doctor, who runs a practice in the West Country, says he can find no
evidence for this. The surgery agreed to register the patient in a female name
but refused to give him a cervical smear on the grounds that he had no cervix.
The patient complained to the local health trust, which is investigating. A
spokesman for the unnamed doctor said he would "be pleased to hear from anyone,
medical or otherwise, who could teach him the correct way to carry out a
cervical smear on a 34-year-old male."
--------
A German doctor faces charges after he appeared to forget about a patient and
went home to have a bath. The doctor had anaesthetised his 76-year-old woman
patient then locked the surgery and went home to his nearby flat. The doctor,
from Witten, North Rhine-Westphalia, said he had not forgotten the woman but did
not realise that she would wake up so soon.
--------
The owner of a struggling Beijing teashop has been arrested for using an
ingenious way of improving business. She advertised in lonely heart columns and
arranged to meet the men who replied in her cafe in the Haidian district. During
the meetings she would order the most expensive items on the menu before making
an excuse and leaving. The ruse was only discovered after the woman ordered her
staff to beat up a suitor who asked for a discount.
--------
A market research company, paid £20,000 to find a name for a college and
university that are to merge in Bradford, has produced its report after three
months work. The company suggests either, Bradford University, University of
Bradford, or The University of Bradford.
--------
An animal rights group has called on the city of Hamburg to change its name
to Veggieburg. PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, says the
German city conjures up "images of unhealthy patties of ground-up dead cows".
The American city of Buffalo has turned down a similar offer, as has Fishkill,
New York.
--------
A thief was caught after his dog refused to leave the butcher's shop he was
burgling. The dog was so enjoying some sliced sausage that he refused to run
when police turned up at the shop in Zwickau, Germany.
"The burglar was standing by the back door, whistling and calling the dog," a
police spokesman said, "but the dog ignored him."
--------
Spinster Hannah Beswick was so scared of being buried alive that she left her
estate to her doctor - on the condition that he should regularly check to make
sure she was dead.
So Dr Charles White had her body embalmed and kept her inside a grandfather
clock in his house. Each anniversary of her death, he opened the clock and
checked her for vital signs.
When Dr White died in 1813, Miss Beswick was moved to the Manchester Museum of
Natural History. In 1868 the museum's trustees finally decided she was
definitely dead and she was buried.
--------
In 1937, Gandar Dower tried introducing cheetah racing in the UK as an
alternative to greyhounds. He didn't realise that cheetahs are uncompetitive and
too clever to mistake a piece of rag for a gazelle. At tracks in Haringey and
Romford the cheetahs just wandered around and the experiment failed.
--------
After being arrested for shoplifting in London in 1993, 35-year-old mother of
three Julie Amiri told a court she wanted to get nicked, as it was the only way
she could have an orgasm. She was arrested 53 times but was not convicted once.
--------
In 1971, burglar Rodney Dobson was arrested for the 43rd time. Handing down a
suspended sentence of 18 months, the judge said: "You should give up burglary.
You have a withered hand, an artificial leg and only on eye. You are a useless
burglar."
--------
In 1978, at Southampton theatre, hypnotist The Great Orlando tried to put Bob
Holliday in a trance. Mr Holliday stayed alert but The Great Orlando nodded off
and awoke to admit that he was actually George Rowson, wanted by the police for
social security fraud.
--------
In September 1960 a male patient died of a heart attack and five were treated
for shock at the Haslemere Home for the Elderly, Great Yarmouth, when Gladys
Elton, 81, performed a striptease. The following year, three more patients died
after Harry Meadows, 87, dressed up as the Grim Reaper and appeared at the
window wielding a scythe.
--------
At the age of 75, Sid Chaney opened bank accounts in the name of his pets.
With their overdrafts the geriatric conman clocked up debts of almost £120,000.
Whenever police closed in, council tenant Sid moved on. One method was to throw
a brick through his own window and claim the area was too dangerous for a
pensioner. In one conviction Sid was ordered to repay a £10,000 debt at just £1
a week.
--------
Hampshire building society clerk Terence Bell made repeated attempts to kill
his wife without her noticing.
In 1980, he took out a £250,000 insurance policy on her and put a lethal dose of
mercury on her strawberry flan. It rolled off the plate.
Next, he laced a mackerel with more of the poison. She ate it with no ill
effects whatsoever.
When the couple holidayed in Yugoslavia, Bell was eager to take a photo of his
wife on a mountainous outcrop but she refused to "step back a little", claiming
later that a sixth sense told her not to.
He also asked her to stand in the middle of the road so he could test the brakes
on the car.
Unsuccessful, he gave himself up and confessed to the police.
--------
Eight college students in Tennessee were hanging around in an empty library
when they decided it would be fun to leap into a small opening they thought was
a laundry chute. But, libraries don't have much need for laundry disposal and it
was actually a garbage chute which fed into an automatic rubbish compactor.
Nineteen-year-old Wesley was the first to jump, enjoying a wild three-storey
ride, before being crushed to death in the bin below.
--------
A construction worker in Florida tied himself to a piece of scaffolding for
safety while working on the fourth floor of the county jail. Forgetting that he
was attached to the metal, he tossed it to the ground and was carried along for
the ride. He landed on the scaffolding, which went through both legs, but he
survived.
--------
A Romanian man placed his ear against train tracks to listen for the arrival
of a train scheduled to stop at his station. Instead, the 46-year-old was hit by
an express train and died instantly from head trauma.
--------
An Austrian man wanted to see how a German World War Two hand grenade was
constructed. His curiosity led him to clamp the grenade in a vice and cut a thin
band around the centre with a circular saw. Then he'd be able to open the two
halves. But the man cut a little too deep and detonated the grenade. He was
blown to pieces.
--------
A 26-year-old tried to get in to a bar in Moscow while carrying a concealed
gun. He was stopped by a security guard who he then threatened with the weapon.
A scuffle ensued and the guard finally managed to kick the gun out of his hand.
It landed on a pool table and the security guard asked the players to pass the
gun over to him. One of them thought that the best way to do this would be to
pick it up with his cue. However, the gun slid down the cue and its increasing
thickness was enough to push the trigger, shooting the man in the chest. He died
instantly.
--------
When a Mohave County jail inmate in Arizona pooped on his cell floor, he
slipped in his own shit, smacked his head on the ground and promptly died. A
sheriff's spokesman said "foul play" had been ruled out.
--------
A Kentucky man whiled away his afternoon by jumping on freight trains and
riding them for 20 yards before leaping off. While demonstrating this trick to
his friends he tried to hop aboard a southbound train. But he failed to notice
the simultaneous approach of a northbound train, was hit and killed.
--------
Chihuahua, Mexico, is home to two hot caverns containing the largest natural
crystals known to man. One man tried to steal one from the roof and he might
have succeeded if he hadn't stood directly beneath the crystal while chopping it
free. He was pinned beneath the sparkling stalactite as it heeded the force of
gravity and roasted in the 42°C cave.
--------
A pilot and his passenger in Montana, US, were
hunting coyotes from the air when the passenger accidentally discharged his
shotgun into the right wing of the plane, causing a crash. The two hunters were
injured but survived, as did the coyote.
--------
A man accused of possessing a hand grenade in
Pakistan challenged police to produce it at his trial. When the police agreed to
bring the grenade into the courtroom, the defendant claimed it wasn't genuine.
While listening to the heated arguments, the judge absent-mindedly picked up the
grenade and pulled the pin. He was injured but lived to tell the tale.
--------
"Cement mixers are a thing of incredible beauty to me," says Ronnie Crossland
who has spent the last 16 years taking more than 1,000 pictures of them. The
retired lorry driver, 59, has travelled more than 200,000 miles in search of new
mixers. "It's a fantastic hobby," he says, "I keep an eye out for mixers all the
time. I'm just addicted." Ronnie, of Sharlston, West Yorkshire, used to be a
trainspotter but gave it up because he says it was boring.
--------
A team of British palaeontologists, led by Professor Peter Doyle, has earned
a place in the Guinness Book of Records after discovering the world's oldest
vomit. The fossilised ichthyosaur sick was found at a quarry in Peterborough.
--------
A prisoner is facing a longer jail term after guards heard voices coming from
his bottom. Warders at the prison in Brno, the Czech republic, discovered that
the 40-year-old was concealing a walkie-talkie, which he admitted using to
arrange bribes for prosecution lawyers. One guard said "I've worked here since
1996 but I cannot recollect ever finding anything stuck in such parts."
--------
A robber downed a bottle of schnapps to give himself courage to raid a bank -
then fell asleep in the car. Police in Graz, Austria, alerted by a passer-by,
found the 33-year-old man dozing in the front seat of the car next to a
balaclava, a pistol and the empty bottle.
--------
Stamps issued by Howick Village in New Zealand have had to be recalled
because the sticky side was put on the front.
--------
A court in Kenya has turned down a woman's claim for compensation against a
lover who left her. Mary Gichuki wanted Stanley Mathenge to pay for the sex they
had during a three-year affair. She claims he promised to marry her. In ruling
on the case, the Nakuru magistrate Nicholas Ateya said: "You were generous in
supplying him with sexual services, but never worked hard enough to get
pregnant."
--------
A suspected thief fled police during a late-night chase but was caught when
his leg fell off. Officers in Dayton, Ohio, pursued a van that had been parked
outside offices, and the driver fled when the van was cornered. A police
spokesman explained: "He had a prosthetic leg which came off when he was
running. This decreased his mobility."
--------
Health officials in Sunderland apologised to Joseph Dickinson after a letter
asked him to ensure that a parent accompanied him to a hospital appointment. Mr
Dickinson is 103.
--------
Police are searching for an armed robber who attacked a camera shop in Silver
Spring, Maryland. The suspect asked for a passport picture, but when it was
ready he pulled a gun, escaping with cash and his picture. The negative, though,
was still in the camera. Police have distributed prints to the local media.
--------
"It was an emotional reaction," says animal lover Arlene Harris. "Anyone who
saw those poor creatures would have done the same thing." She was speaking after
rescuing five lobsters from a party at Cape Cod, Massachusetts. "I went by the
pot where they had the lobsters," she explained. " I peeked in a saw a lot of
them wiggling their tails. They were saying 'Take me to the beach'." Arlene did
not hesitate. She snatched the lobsters, dashed to her car, pursued by caterers,
and drove to the harbour where she returned the lobsters to the wild. A fellow
guest at the party said "She was yelling 'I'm saving the lobsters. I'm saving
the lobsters'. Meanwhile her husband was eating his lobster and pretending
nothing was going on."
--------
Teenager Alistair Wood and three friends were shut in a loft for a day after
the trapdoor slammed shut. Alistair, left in charge of the house in Gillingham,
Kent, while his mother went on holiday, had been storing food and drink in the
loft for a secret party. On the night of the party, the four 17-year-old pals
climbed into the loft to wait for guests. But the door shut and they could not
get it open. It was only after 27 hours that one of them thought to pull the
door instead of pushing. It opened straight away. "We could have been out in
five minutes," said Alistair. He hopes to join the police.
--------
Weekly sales of cooking gas at a shop in Bangkok went up from 30 bottles to
50 after the store owner, Narongwit Suthiviriyakul, ordered his deliverymen to
wear Spiderman suits. However, after Marvel Enterprises threatened legal action,
the storeowner told his staff to wear monkey suits instead. "Monkeys don't have
intellectual property rights," said a spokesman for Marvel's Thai agent.
--------
Due to an oversight, officials in Mess, Arizona, constructed 2 bus shelters
on a street where no buses run. After discovering the mistake, they posted signs
saying no buses come there, but people can still wait.
--------
A thief who stole a police radio spent two days interrupting vital messages
with impressions of Frank Spencer (Some Mothers Do 'ave 'em). Officers found
communications disrupted by the prankster's offers of help and frequent
repetitions of the catchphrase "Ooh Betty". The man, in his early twenties, is
suspected of taking the radio at a petrol station in Worthing, Sussex.
--------
A Scottish football fan was thrown out of a pub called the Scotsman for playing
the bagpipes. Calum Fraser was shown the door when he began piping at the pub in
Oslo, Norway. "Usually he's dragged in to places by pub bosses," a friend of his
said. "This is the first time he's been asked to leave." Scottish fans have
since found a new pub in Oslo - the Dubliner.
---------
A police sergeant has criticised hygiene standards at a Kansas City motel
after cleaners overlooked the body of a man - wearing fishnet tights and a nun's
wimple - lying dead in one of the rooms. Sergeant Darin Snapp told reporters:
"The Capri has been closed down several times in the past for indecency and poor
hygiene, but on the other hand it is a very competitively priced motel with many
facilities including a gym and a pool table."
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Top eight morons of the year
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
Intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps
it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman, who
had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line,
shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him
to drive to two different automated teller machines, where the kidnapper
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the
cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk
and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and
grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to
repeat the words "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. AND THE GRAND FINALE.................
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having problems. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft going
properly. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much
power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a
nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough
topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran
fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped into the water to check underneath, he came up
choking on water, because he was laughing so hard.
......... NOW REMEMBER. THIS IS TRUE. .........
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer...
----------
Screw-ups of the Year
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a
hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger
again. This time it worked.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and,
after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The
company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for
himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.
A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that
the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to
a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception
wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries,
the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his
head to a moving train before he was hit.
----------
Real Notes to British Milkmen......
Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the
tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the
dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been
carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but
the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you
to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street.
If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I
have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did
not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in
between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer
and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo
tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this
note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put
newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead
until further notice.
----------
According to figures available from the Department of Justice, Gardai are an
unfortunate lot. Last year's list of accidents that befell the boys in blue, and
innocent civilians who had the misfortune to visit Garda stations, includes one
woman who was awarded €15,148 when she "fell off a chair in a Garda station".
Another had her medical expenses paid after she got bleach in her eyes and there
was a bill for almost €100,000 when a ledger fell on someone's head.
Gardai are forever falling down stairs, while one officer was "injured while
operating a strimmer". Another got €47,500 after being "injured while checking a
lorry". There was a bill for €6,171 for a Garda "injured by a garage door" and
€21,139 for one who "injured his leg in a hole outside a Garda station".
Compensation of €10,000 was lodged in court for a Garda whose "chair
collapsed when he was sitting on it" and taxpayers also paid €32,000 to a couple
whose home was entered by Gardai "in pursuit of their son after mistakenly
thinking he had broken into the house".
----------
The Tuscan town of Vinci, more commonly known for its Renaissance artist son
Leonardo, is renovating a car park complete with soft lighting and special trash
bins for condoms.
"We're just recognizing that young people love each other," Mayor Giancarlo
Faenzi told Reuters.
"If you don't face that fact, you're simply closing your eyes to reality and
you just end up sending them a kilometre (half a mile) down the road," he said,
adding that the town was still deciding whether to install a condom machine.
The back seat often acts as a substitute bed for those Italians who live with
their parents well into their 30s.
Even Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi famously reminisced about how "many of
us first kissed our girl in a Fiat 500."
Italians talk of a "Car-ma Sutra," illustrating positions best suited to
specific car models, though no one can ever remember the name of the book.
Car sex is not illegal in strongly Catholic Italy -- as long as the windows
are covered up.
----------
MPs in Swaziland say the state-run radio station's 'man in Baghdad' has been
broadcasting from a broom cupboard in Mbabane.
They claim they saw Phesheya Dube in parliament in the Swazi capital when he
was supposed to be in Iraq.
Jojo Dlamini asked: "Why are they lying to the nation that the man is in
Iraq, when he is here in Swaziland, broadcasting out of a broom closet?"
Information Minister Mntomzima Dlamini has promised to investigate the
matter, reports the Swazi Observer.
Mr Dube gave the "live reports" purportedly from Baghdad last week.
Program host Moses Matsebula frequently expressed concern for his well-being
and once advised him to "find a cave somewhere to be safe from missiles".
The station declined to comment and referred questions to the Ministry.
----------
An Aberdeenshire seaside town is rethinking a plan to use robots to deter
seagulls, after the seabirds ganged up on their fibreglass foes.
Environmental officers strategically placed robot peregrine falcons around
Fraserburgh, expecting the seagulls to look elsewhere for a perch.
Each robot - or Robop (Robot Bird of Prey) - can be programmed to perform a
menacing repertoire of wing flaps, head turns, and calls.
But the town's environmental officers found that far from being scared, the
gulls congregated together to see off the threat.
Colin Campbell, the council's environmental health manager, conceded the
three-week trial had ended with "a partial victory for the stubborn sea birds".
----------
A man has received a bill from British Gas for £2.3 trillion after a computer
mix-up.
Brian Law got an initial bill for £59 in November, but when he forgot to pay
it, they sent him a final demand.
The demand for £2,320,333,681,613 was supposed to be for electricity supplied
to Mr Law's new home at Fartown, Huddersfield.
The company warned they would take him to court if he didn't pay the bill in
full immediately, reports the Yorkshire Post.
But Mr Law said he made numerous efforts to have the matter sorted out, but
British Gas failed to return phone calls having left his number with
representatives.
He said: "Eventually, I decided the only way I was going to sort it out was
to go to court and offer a penny a week."
But after local media intervened, British Gas said there had been mistake
with a computer mixing up the reference number for the property.
"We have agreed that I owe £59 and I will set up a direct debit for the
future," said Mr Law.
A British Gas spokeswoman said Mr Law was told the bill was a "simple
clerical mistake".
----------
A man has been arrested for attacking emergency workers, who rushed to his
Kawasaki home to extinguish a minor blaze, for entering his room with their
shoes on.
Keiji Sanada, a 32-year-old driver of Kawasaki's Takatsu, was drunk at the
time of the incident.
Firemen were called to his apartment, which caught fire while he was out,
shortly after 2 a.m. on Friday. Sanada's neighbours had already put out the
blaze, which slightly burnt a table, with fire extinguishers before firemen
arrived.
Sanada came home later and spotted firemen inspecting the damage and flew
into a rage. "How dare you enter my house with your shoes on! And you've wrecked
my room with fire extinguishing chemicals," the resident reportedly shouted and
started kicking a 28-year-old fireman. Sanada also punched a 37-year-old police
officer who tried to restrain him.
Police said the 32-year-old was arrested on charges of assault and
obstructing officers from carrying out their duties.
----------
A crowd of people had to help a male citizen of the Russian city of Stavropol,
after he got frozen to a bus stop booth.
The young man was coming back home from a bar and stopped leaning over a bus
stop in order to relieve his bladder. However, he moved his body a little bit
forward and his penis stuck to the cold metal of the booth. It was 30 degrees
below zero at the time.
A crowd of people gathered around the poor guy, giving him a lot of pieces of
advice, which were basically useless. The guy was saved by a man, who brought a
kettle of warm water from a drugstore nearby, and poured the water on the cold
fusion of the metal wall and man's penis.
The young man ran away from the site of the incident, having refused from any
medical aid.
----------
Fire-fighters in Norway were called after a drunk tried to fry some eggs
while they were still in their box.
The man, from Bergen, was hungry after a night on the town.
Police said he was so drunk that he forgot to take the eggs out of the
packaging.
Harald Norvik, from Hordaland Police District, said: "He had forgotten to
take the eggs out of the carton before putting them in the pan. The result was a
burnt carton and a visit by the firemen."
----------
Brazilian authorities jailed a man for 18 days, even though he looked nothing
like the police suspect.
Short, black man, Jurandir Xavier da Cruz, had the same name as the tall,
white suspect police were hunting.
Police in Sao Paulo arrested Mr Cruz, despite proving his innocence through a
fingerprint test and having pictures of the real offender.
His lawyer, Jaime Fernando Seta, told Agora Sao Paulo newspaper: "Even after
I had all the evidence with me that proved my client was not the man they were
looking for, they refused to let him go."
Officials only agreed to release Mr Cruz after a new chief was put in charge
of the police station.
As well as being the wrong height and colour, Mr Cruz has brown eyes and the
real suspect has green eyes.
Mr Cruz said: "I thought I was never going to leave prison. I am a Brazilian
citizen and I never thought I was going to be treated this way. I tried to tell
them I was not the one but they laughed."
A police spokesman declined to comment on the case.
----------
Two charity workers visited a sick woman, chatted to her, then politely left
so she could answer the phone in peace - without realising she was dead. The
pair, form the mental health charity Mind, visited 43-year-old Pat Harris, of
Coventry, because she had not been seen for 5 days. They found her sitting in
her kitchen in a coat, but got no response. Feeling that "she did not want us
there", they left.
----------
A council has spent £2,400 to turn zigzag road markings into zagzigs.
Officials at Stockport council ordered the change to 80 pelican and puffin
crossings after misreading new government regulations. Under the old law,
central zigzag lines had to match the zigzag on the driver's left. But under the
1997 Zebra, Pelican and Puffin Pedestrian Crossings Regulations and General
Directive, which comes into force in December 2002, a central zigzag can match
either left or right. Stockport officials thought they had to reverse all their
central zigzags.
----------
A robber stormed into a bank in Germany, pulled his black mask over his head,
then realised that he had forgotten to cut holes for his eyes. Unable to see,
the 25-year-old pulled the mask off and found himself standing in front of
a security camera. He was arrested and jailed for 4 years for the robbery in the
town of Giessen.
----------
A patient at Hull Royal Infirmary popped out to the lavatory and returned to
find that nurses had put another patient in his bed. Glen Levanitz says: "I find
it funny now, but I was shocked when it happened. Everybody in the ward
laughed." He found another bed in a dayroom , but discharged himself.
----------
A Kiltimagh youth who pulled down his pants and flashed his rear end at a
lady motorist was fined €630 at a recent sitting of the local district court. On
May 26th, Alan Sheridan (20) stepped out onto the road and pulled his trousers
down, thus upsetting the lady with a cheeky view of his posterior. Sheridan had
apologised to Gardaí and asked them to convey his
apologies to the lady in question. He was drunk and just messing. Judge Mary
Devins, however, asked the defendant "Do you think you have a particularly
attractive rear end? Would you like to show it to the court? I'm sure that they
don't want to see it but would you like to show it to them anyway?" As well as
the fine, she sentenced him to 3 months detention, suspended on condition that
he keep the peace (and, presumably, his arse hidden) for 2 years.
----------
A man caught with cannabis in Kilkenny was told by
Judge William Hartnett that he should join the Bedouin tribe if he wants to keep
smoking dope. The Judge noted that in the probation report on Shane Connolly
(24) from Limerick, the young man did not accept that he should stop using
drugs. If he didn't want to obey the law he could "go and join the Bedouins in
the desert and smoke away. I'm sure they'll be delighted with you!" The Judge
also told him he should take the chips off both shoulders and cop onto himself,
before fining him a total of 4160 for possession of cannabis in Kilkenny on July
15th 2001, the day of a Bob Dylan concert.
----------
Motorist Jan Wcalcek was stopped by police in Tiel,
Holland, for driving too slowly, but explained that he was making a cup of
tea on a camping stove and didn't want to spill anything.
----------
An Italian couple have been arrested after refusing
to stop having sex in a Milan public swimming pool. The couple were discovered
by a caretaker, who asked them to stop. The man said he would only stop when his
partner was satisfied.
----------
Officials at Wesleyan University, Connecticut, have
apologised after a student was unable to attend a lecture because there was no
wheelchair access. The lecture was on disability issues.
----------
The town of Mocksville in North Carolina has denied
that residents are unfriendly despite streets that are called Staya Way,
Getta Way and Keepa Way. Because the roads were private, residents were allowed
to choose the name. Rick Franklin of Getta Way, rejected claims he was
anti-social. "I had 160 people over last weekend for chicken stew," he said.
----------
Ian Lewis, 43, of Standish, Lancs., spent 30 years tracing his family tree
back to the 17th century. He travelled all over Britain, talking to 2,000
relatives and planned to write a book. Then he found out that he was adopted
when he was just one month old.
----------
Professor Marvo was too believable for his own good. Performing in a tavern
in Azul, Argentina, he wowed the crowd by "catching" a bullet, fired by his
assistant, in his teeth. In reality the assistant fired a blank and the magician
merely produced a bullet he had hidden in his mouth. This illusion was missed by
Marco Asprella, a 48-year-old gold miner in the audience. He whipped out his own
handgun and yelled "catch this one, professor." Then he fired straight into
Marvo's face almost blowing his head off. All through his subsequent trial he
claimed he didn't understand why Marvo hadn't caught the bullet. The jury
sympathised and acquitted him of murder.
----------
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet badly misjudged things when he attempted a
letter bombing. He did not pay enough postage for the package to reach his
intended victim. So it came back with "return to sender" stamped on it and
exploded when he picked it up.
----------
A young sunbather who had been sleeping on a beach in shallow waters woke up
to find a barnacle stuck to his penis. The 23-year-old man arrived at a hospital
in Bor, Yugoslavia, after failing to dislodge the clinging crustacean. The
barnacle also defied a nurse armed with tweezers until it eventually fell off.
----------
Police in Lajitas, Texas, have accused a man of castrating the town's mayor,
a goat that amuses tourists by drinking beer from a bottle. Clay Henry III, the
third goat to be elected mayor of the border town, was attacked under cover of
darkness, allegedly by a man who had claimed the mayor took a bottle of his beer
without permission. Jim Bob Hargrove will go on trial after one of the mayor's
testicles was discovered in a fridge by a maid. A spokesman for the town said:
"The mayor's health is fine now, although he obviously won't make a complete
recovery." Clay Henry III took office two years ago after beating rival
candidates, including a dog called Clyde. The first goat mayor died in a fight
over a nanny goat, but was stuffed and is now on display.
----------
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised
at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.
----------
A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished
robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up,
the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house
because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.
The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage
for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry
dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming
the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of
half a million dollars and change.
----------
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club
in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
----------
A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbour ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently
didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to
steal.
----------
May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and
broke her tailbone. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at
her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
----------
An unemployed factory worker ran into the sea in Tramore to avoid being
arrested by the Gardaí, Waterford District Court was
told. Supt John Howard said that on August 19 last, Robert Cranney (20) from
Galway, approached a checkpoint in Tramore at speed on a one-way street going
the wrong way. The car stopped abruptly and the driver got out and ran away. The
Gardaí had to follow the defendant into the sea to arrest him. Taken to Tramore
Garda Station, Cranney threatened one Garda that he would "sort him out", was
very abusive and gave his name falsely as "Mr Barrett". A blood sample showed
137mg of alcohol. In court his solicitor said her client's bizarre behaviour
arose from a combination of alcohol and anti-depressants. Judge Liam O'Neill
fined Cranney, who had previous convictions for being intoxicated in public and
criminal damage, a total of €865 and put him off the road for 6 months.
----------
A judge found the circumstances leading to a claim
for damages from a fall were "very suspicious" and dismissed the case against a
publican in Passage East in Waterford Circuit Court. Donal Walsh of Lisduggan
said he had two drinks in the pub on March 12th and as he was entering the
cubicle of the toilet, slipped and injured his neck. He had now fully recovered.
The publican, Seán Furlong, said that Kilkenny were playing Waterford that day
and he was called to the toilet where he found two men having a jovial
conversation. The plaintiff's friend told him to get down on the floor. He was
surprised to see the floor wet because he had just mopped it. When the publican
identified himself the plaintiff's friend, Thomas Power, said "shut your fucking
mouth you nosy fucking bastard and call a fucking ambulance or we'll break this
joint up". The publican went to call an ambulance and when he returned he found
the floor even wetter with water pouring down the steps and a pint glass beside the sink
that had not been there before. Walsh was "crying in agony". In
cross-examination, Furlong said it was a "planned accident". Power denied being
abusive or throwing water on the floor or that he tried to "build up evidence".
Judge Kevin Haugh threw out the case and allowed the defendants their costs.
----------
A man charged with public order offences in Paddy
Power's Bookmakers in Longford told Longford Court that he simply wanted to
place a bet on a horse for which the bookies were giving odds of 8/1. "the
bloody thing won," Michael Smith explained to Judge Neilan. He was drunk and had
previously been barred. When staff refused to serve him he kicked a chair and
put his foot through the glass of the door, a Garda told the Court. The case was
adjourned until the end of July to monitor Mr Smith's behaviour and he was
barred from all licensed premises.
----------
A biker told Loughrea District Court that he was in possession of a knife for
the purpose of cutting meat from a roast pig cooked on a spit while attending a
feast in the grounds of a castle near Tuam. The excuse failed to impress Judge
Conal Gibbons. "I have no doubt bikers are very distinguished members of our
society," said the judge, "but I find this story about cutting meat a bit
bizarre and beyond belief." The court heard that the defendant, Raymond Smullen
of Lullymore, Rathangaan, Co Kildare, was a member of a bikers club called the
Outlaws MC, which organised a feast once a month. Asked by Judge Gibbons if a
knife and fork would not be more appropriate, the defendant said they always ate
with their hands. Smullen's solicitor submitted that he couldn't see bikers
sitting down with knives, forks and napkins. Judge Gibbons, however, ruled
that the knife in question was an offensive weapon and imposed a three-month
suspended sentence on the defendant.
----------
A Waterford man got agitated when he encountered difficulties getting onto an
anger management course and ended up going "berserk" in a Garda patrol car that
brought him away from the counselling centre, the District Court heard. Garda
Fergal Ging told the court that he had been called to Brook House by staff, who
asked him to remove the defendant, Eamonn Cuddihy of 23 Arbour Road. The
defendant had become upset and agitated because he had been left waiting for two
hours. He proceeded to punch the wall, but calmed down and was taken away in the
patrol car. The court heard that Cuddihy then refused to get out of the car. "He
went berserk and started shouting that he would wreck the car and that he was
going to kill someone," Garda Ging told the court. Judge William Harnett imposed
a two-month suspended sentence on Cuddihy on condition he entered a Probation
Bond and sought treatment for anger management.
----------
A Galway man who admitted he was drunk and sitting in his car with the engine
running insisted at Tuam District Court that he had no intention of driving, but
was only protecting his tools. George O'Reilly, of Grange, Dunmore, told the
court that he was relieved to see the Gardaí arrive on
the scene as he feared he was going to be assaulted. Garda John Flaherty told
the court he was on patrol and he noticed a number of men around a parked car.
One of the men approached him and told him that they were trying to stop the
defendant driving because he was drunk. O'Reilly, who admitted he had been
drinking all over town, refused to provide a breath sample. Judge Garavan
said that "his defence was as hopeless as a defence could be" and imposed a
two-year driving ban and a fine of €400.
----------
Wednesday February 01, 2012
