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jokes page 1

Last update 26/04/2005

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favourite fishing lake, and he fished from dawn to dark with his favourite fishing guide. One day the guide, a friend of many years, mentioned that he seemed to spending his whole honeymoon fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhoea, and you know how I love to fish."

A few hours later, the guide said, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhoea, and you know how I love to fish."

The following day, the guide said, "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea (mouth rot), and you know how I love to fish. "

Later that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated, the guide approached the subject again. "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms, and you know how I just love to fish."
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How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
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Three hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy, my wife is so dumb. She's so stupid she went shopping today and bought an air conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!"

Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothing. My wife's dumber than that. She went shopping and bought a washing machine." They all laughed because nobody around them had plumbing.

The third guy said, "If you think that's dumb, listen to what my wife did. I was looking in her purse for change the other day and I found six condoms. Hell my wife doesn't even have a penis."
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A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"
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A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."

The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.
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A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.

As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.

Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.

"Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."

"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.'"
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The phone rang at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour Thibodeaux! He's hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI goons came over to Thibodeaux's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept, broke every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swore at Thibodeaux and left.

The phone rang at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey, Thibodeaux! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden ploughed."
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A Jewish girl came home one day and said, "Ma, I got married."

Her mother said, "Oy, that's great."

The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab."

Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great."

The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab sheikh. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Ma, I love my Arab sheikh, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar."

Her mother said, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble!?"
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A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey said and sighed. "But I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be boss since we carry the brain about and get him where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up, and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss -- any asshole will do.
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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except . . . " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dick."

"So what's this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it does do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, go back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and rested there quietly once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to £700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah right, voodoo dick my ass!"
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Zebediah was in the fertilised egg business.

He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose jobs were to fertilise the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot, and was replaced. That took an awful lot of time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favourite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too, only his bell had not rung all morning! Zeb went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! BUT, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation!!

The judges not only awarded him...

THE NO BELL PIECE PRIZE, but also...

THE PULLET SURPRISE!!!
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Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?"

Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."

Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder...

Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?"

Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."

Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do."

Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"

Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."

Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he's back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work."

Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied,

"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
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A Cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks.

There where only 3 survivors: Paul, Robert and Holly.

They manage to swim to a small island where they lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for
men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Holly felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with Robert and Paul was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but Robert and Paul managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Robert and Paul began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.

So................

They buried her.
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A bloke on his way home from work in Leeds comes to a dead halt in traffic on Kirkstall Road, and thinks to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies: "It's a Man U fan, he's just so depressed about losing the premiership to Arsenal, and being knocked out of Europe and of winning Fuck all after gobbing off all season, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.

He says his family hates him, his mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job, I'm walking around taking a collection for him."

"Oh really?" says the chap "How much have you collected so far?"

"So far," replies the policeman "Only about ½ a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
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GIRLS PRAYER

Lord,

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong, one whose willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks?
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed, and when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind, Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my bodies a twitchin, in the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end, and never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the wanker you sent me instead.

Amen.

A BOYS PRAYER

Lord

I pray for a bird with big tits.

Amen
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A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and dull Grey suit.

"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he’s surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
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Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"

The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fanny, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter

"Hold on a fucking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens..."
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An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, may we help you ?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
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Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that despite his 97 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my bollocks in your left hand and my cock in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Bob says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my bollocks in your left hand, and my cock in your right hand."

Cilla is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Cilla asks "Bob, tell me, does my holding your bollocks in my left hand and your cock in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?"

Bob replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my fucking wallet."
____________

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, think I'll go and see my Doctor!"

His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that. There's a new computer at Boots that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than your doctor. All you do is put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do."

Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a jar with his urine, went to Boots where he found the computer and
deposited his sample and the computer started making a few noises and some lights started to flash.

After a brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper which read:
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW, SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER THREE TIMES A DAY FOR AN HOUR. AVOID HEAVY WORK. YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was and how it could change the world of medicine forever, he began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to try. He mixed together some tap water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and, at the last
minute, masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to Boots, deposited the sample and paid his money. After the noises and lights, out popped a piece of paper which read:

YOUR TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTENER. THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE FUCKED, GET IT TO A GARAGE. YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET. YOUR DAUGHTER IS HOOKED ON COCAINE, GET HER TO REHAB. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER. AND IF YOU DON'T STOP MASTURBATING YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
____________

An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. At least for a while. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down

and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the horizon hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up: nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer entered, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused. When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all of these months."

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing - this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.

"You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
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A couple is attending an art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it.

The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a big pink penis, while the other two have a black penis."

The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting, they're not African men, they’re Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
____________

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing in the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table - were hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Fuck off, " she said, "they're for the funeral."
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THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8.30 Weigh in 2 Kg lighter than yesterday.

8.45 Breakfast in bed; freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents (expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner).

9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.

10.00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition

12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.

12.45 Catch sight of x husband's girlfriend and notice she has gained 7Kg.

1.15 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3.20 Nap.

3.35 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card from secret admirer.

4.00 Plans arrive from engineer and interior designer approving massive renovations and new interior design for house.

4.15 Light workout at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.

5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.

7.30 Candle lit dinner for two, followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners and dancers.

10.15 Hot shower (alone).

10.50 Carried to bed (freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen).

11.15 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11.25 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM.

6.00 Alarm.

6.15 Blow job.

6.30 Massive, deeply satisfying crap while reading the Sports section of the newspaper.

7.35 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench.

8.35 Limo arrives, several rums on way to golf course

9.30 Play front nine (2 under).

11.35 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy and half a dozen stubbies off the ice.

12.35 Blow job.

12.50 Play back nine (4 under).

2.35 Limo arrives. Drive to wharf (several Scotches).

2.50 Afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude).

3.30 Land biggest snapper of the day, fish all filleted and packed on ice by crew. Beers all round.

5.20 Limo home, massage and hand job by naked Angelina Jolie.

6.45 Shit, shower and shave.

7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; porn legalised.

7.30 Dinner. Lobster appetisers followed by big juicy fillet steak and ice cream served on a pair of tits.

8.30 Cold beers in front of wall sized TV as you watch International Rugby: England beats the All Blacks 46-45.

9.45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies).

11.10 Massage and spa with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing Ale.

11.30 A night cap blow job.

11.45 In bed alone.

11.50 A twelve second fart that changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
____________

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
____________

THE FACTS ACCORDING TO ALI G - Ali G's View on a Womens Period

Booyakasha! Check dis !!! Not many people know dis but an important difference between men and women iz sumfin called "da mental cycle" or as the doctors call it, "havin' de painters in". But no matter wot name u gives it, it still causes terrible pain and sufferin and it aint pleasant for women eiver.

SO HOW OFTEN DOES IT OCCUR?
Well, ladies get da "red wedge" once every 3 weeks, tho sometimes more often. Me Julie for hexample tells me she has got it at least a couple of times a week.

WHY DO THEY HAPPEN?
Medikly, wot 'appens iz hactually very simple. Der iz a clock dat ticks in her muff, when it gets to "her time" da egg dat she has been fryin in her aviary drops out of her punani.

CAN YOU HAVE INTERCOURSE DURIN' MENSTURATION?
1. People fink dat you can't have sex when your lady has "Arsenal playin' at hom". Dis is not true - you can, but just not wiv her.
2. In fact, u can turn de situation to ya advantage and to show how considerate and luvin' you iz, suggest to her dat u do it up her batty.

Ear me now. I is not kiddin!
____________

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home early, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "£75 "

Man: "Fine".

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are In the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."

Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"

Boy: "£25"

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

Father: "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "£100"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, £100 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes him sit in the confessional and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
____________

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said- "Well yeah, if that's what they are - I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
____________

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately thereafter.

The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realise that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property.

It begins to look as though the plane will never take off - that it will plough into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"
____________

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first monk, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the monks until she got to the final monk.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. And then, all the other bells started to ring.......
____________

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"Ok, what about the earsth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed off, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat," said the midget.

With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat, then pulled him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"
____________

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.

As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
____________

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
____________

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really having an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
____________

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged.

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
____________

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked.

The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude." she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said.

The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?

"The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant. You are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down.

The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
____________

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"The stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said Little Johnny. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother.

The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
____________

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning everyone in the tiny Mid-western town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started the townspeople were sitting in their pews when suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew. He was not moving and seemed oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now, this confused and irritated the Devil a little bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

"Yep, sure do," replied the elderly gentleman.

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't ," the gentleman replied.

Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
____________

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Afghans this time and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"

So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry about the 140 million Afghans!"
____________

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
____________

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.

Later that night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
____________

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"
____________

Pam, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says: "Oral Sex" Frogs Only $20 each! Money-Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)

Pam excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."

Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

Pam nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Pam takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...

1.Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.

4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there".

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! Pam is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store".

So, Pam calls...

Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over". Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell.

Pam welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there".

Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
____________

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office.

"Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"

General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds".

Soldier 2: The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sahr!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds".

Soldier 3: "The tip of me penis to me balls, sahr!"

General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son! As the general began the measurements" "My god, son, where are your balls?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
____________

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.' As the couple pass, he says to them "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
____________

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!"

The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
____________

Carlos calls his boss in the morning: "Ey, boss I no come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I no work today."

The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got nice house."
____________

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
____________

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
____________